I just came out of THE WORST day I’ve had in a long time. As soon as I woke up, I knew. I knew it was going to be a hard day. I’d had no sleep the night before — Rascal had a fever — and the kids woke up at, like, 6am.

I was angry, moody, depressed, the works. And, how hard is it NOT to take it out on the kids! NOT to snap! Motherhood is such a freaking challenge. I never knew it’d be this challenging. It’s all worth it, of course. But, the emotional, physical, mental challenge of it all is truly overwhelming.

And, of course, it hits me right in the middle of a HUGE dieting turnaround. I went grocery shopping and filled my fridge to the brim with fruits and vegetables just yesterday. I ate my fruit for breakfast, my salad and soup for lunch, my FAB quinoa & cashew dish for dinner (recipe to come). After dinner, as always, though, I gave up.

I gave up.

And, I had a little binge. Another little binge. And, I feel terrible.

I am Haley-O and I am an emotional eater. If you see me on the street, you will KNOW this. It’s written on my body. Inscribed. I can’t hide my little problem.

Why am I an emotional eater? I have no DOUBT that this is the reason: I suffered a GREAT TRAUMA in my pregnancies — particularly my first pregnancy. Pregnancy depression: it’s the same as postpartum depression, only it happens DURING pregnancy. During that time, I was so anxious I couldn’t eat. I was TERRIFIED of food. I thought if I ate one BITE of something wrong, I’d lose or damage the baby.

After MUCH professional help, I finally healed — at least superficially.

But, I developed some fattening coping mechanisms, some fattening bad habits.

I’ve tried a bunch of diets, sought out professionals, to help me reclaim my lithe figure. I can barely stick to ANYTHING for a day. And, that’s the truth.

And, I get so MAD at myself. And, the cycle continues.

I’m hoping, though, that I’ve realized something today, and that this evening’s little binge has taught me something new — because it was SO OBVIOUSLY a bout of emotional eating.

It taught me that I have some habits to break. I have some moving on to do. I have some major healing to do.

Tomorrow’s another day…. Hopefully, a gentler day all ’round….

I can do this…. I can move on and shed the fear, the anxiety, the past. I can definitely move on.

P.S. There’s something wrong with the comments. I know you can’t comment right now. Thanks so much for the great feedback in your emails! Working on the comment issue. Try commenting again soon if it doesn’t already work. LOVE! xo Haley-O

Gorgeouses, this is the easiest recipe ever. And, YUMMY! When NEXT you go to the grocery store, buy yourself some egg noodles, preferably these spelt ones for added fiber and vitamins and other nutritiony goodnesses. They’re quick, and they’re delish, and — added bonus? — kids love ‘em.

Check it!

INGREDIENTS (Serves 4-6):

2 Tbsp butter
2 Tbsp flour
2.5 cups of 1% milk
1 tsp spice mix (any brand you want, i.e., Mrs. Dash Original Seasoning)
1 tsp curry powder
1/2 tsp fresh ground pepper
3/4 lb or 340 g broad egg noodles (preferably SPELT!)
3/4 cup grated low-fat cheddar cheese
Cooking spray

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Preheat oven to 375° F.

2. Boil large pot full of water.

3. Melt the butter in a medium-sized pan at medium heat.

4. Once butter is melted, remove it from the heat and blend in flour with a whisk or fork.

5. Gradually whisk in the milk.

6. Turn the heat back on to medium.

7. Add spices and stir until mix thickens.

8. Remove from heat.

9. Throw egg noodles into pot of boiling water for no more than FIVE minutes. Then drain and rinse them in a colander.

10. Add egg noodles to milk mixture, and crumble in the grated cheese…. (You can add in some veggies here, or tuna, tofu, etc….)

11. Spray a large casserole dish and pour in the noodle mix.

12. Cover tightly with tinfoil (shiny side down), and place it in the preheated oven for 20 minutes.

If you want it nice and crispy on top, uncover the dish and turn the heat up to broil for, like, 2-4 minutes (WATCH IT DOESN’T BURN — trust me…).

Enjoy! And, let us know how you like it!

Recipe adapted from The Healthy Family….

Cheaty highly recommends….

It’s not just about weight. But it’s a goal: 10 pounds by my birthday — September 10. Yup. It’s time. I’m ready. Time to SHED the baby weight once and for all. And, I can do it.

I CAN DO IT!

I’ve been kind of SEMI trying to lose the weight all this time. With a chai here, a blueberry muffin there, a second helping of pasta here, and that extra spoonful of almond butter THERE (ON. MY. THIGHS).

BUT, ever since the Meditation Workshop I went to last week, I WANT TO CHANGE. And, it’s not ACTUALLY about the weight.

I’ve started to make drastic changes to my diet. While I continue to cook chicken and DEFROST ready-made meat meals for my family — always organic, by the way — I’ve gone strictly vegetarian, with the addition of organic, free-range, eggs and organic yogurt when I feel I need it. Because I DO need some dairy and eggs in my diet, or I start to feel faint. Maybe this will change. Not sure. For now, being a strict vegetarian means really listening to my body and what it needs. God knows, yoga helps with that!

That said, this week in the country has been quite challenging. I’m supposed to be eating wholesome foods: tons of fruits and vegetables, nuts and legumes…. While the fam’s barbecuing hot dogs and hamburgers, I’m struggling to find something, ANYTHING, organic or at least wholesome to eat.

So, I’ve ended up eating a lot of candy — something I gave up a long time ago — for lack of FOOD. Not good.

But, today, we FINALLY went shopping at the neighbouring town’s grocery store. The only organic thing they had was Bob’s Red Mill grains (LOVE)….

…which goes to show that Bob is EVERYWHERE….

I also managed to find some brown rice pasta, some canned chickpeas, tomato sauce…. So, while the fam had their chicken and salad and COOKIES, I stayed strong and enjoyed a lovely pasta dish with chickpeas, tomato sauce and freshly grated parmesan cheese, and the lovely salad filled with local fresh veggies. Not perfect. But, better than candy.

Anyway, my meditation instructor suggested I eat clean in order to get the most out of my body — including losing this pregnancy weight. Absolutely clean. Fruits and veggies are to make up a greater-than-ever part of my diet.

The thing with this whole-foods diet is that I can’t use food as a crutch anymore. So, in one day, all these emotions are coming up. It’s all so very RAW (PUN!). And, I actually have to, erm, DEAL with them. Instead of eating to deal with them (as I now notice I’ve been doing!), I’ve been swimming lengths in the pool, walking, practicing yoga, and journal writing, and meditating when I can (even if it’s just for 5 minutes in the car!). It all helps.

It really is amazing how tightly intertwined food and emotion are for me…. It’s crazy. But, it’s beautiful to learn this here, and now, in the country — isolated from my life in the city….

Just some thoughts. Not editing this because I’m in the country and lazing and relaxing the brain.

What do you think?